Light Saver
by dead drifter
Summary: Akatsuki Crack! The power goes out, and the only source of light is Itachi's light saber. He tells a scary story...and amazingly...it's true. Rated for language.


"**Light Saver"**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Windex, Pledge, Star Wars or anything else. **

**Dedicated to Lauren (purplewolfstar35) who forced me to write this before I could do anything else. Also, for giving me the title, and for making me laugh hysterically as she read it. **

**WARNING: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. Jingas Meitel is not responsible for any injuries that may occur. All requests to pay for hospital bills will be ignored. **

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"Jashin damned, mother fucking, shit faced, piss ass wind!" Hidan roared, slamming the door shut. The force of the slamming was so strong that the chandelier in the living room clanged violently and the group picture of the Akatsuki at Disneyland fell off the wall and shattered. Hidan hastily kicked off his sandals and paused to glare at those in the kitchen. Kakuzu and Deidara were at the kitchen table, and Kakuzu's 'baby' Mr. Chiclets was splayed on it, getting his mask fixed by the missing Rock nin.

Sasori was by the sink, doing the dishes while Konan dried them with her own paper towels, setting them in their proper places. Zetsu was rummaging in the freezer while Tobi stood beside him, a Fudgsicle stuck in his eye hole. Kakuzu looked up from Mr. Chiclets and when he noticed Hidan, he smirked. Hidan flicked him off.

"Don't you say a fucking word! I was wondering if I could borrow Tobi's scarf, fuck, it's cold!"

Tobi heard his name and popped the fudgesicle out of his eyehole (that's how you have to eat when your mask is super glued on) and waved.

"Oh, hello Kakashi! How are you?" Hidan raised his scythe high in the air and lunged.

"Fuck you, basketball head!"

Tobi dodged and giggled.

"Oh, so it's Hidan-san! What happened to your hair?"

Hidan righted himself and whirled.

"What? What about my hair?" Hidan asked, patting the top of his head. The hair was out of place, sticking put at odd angles. He really DID look like Kakashi…a prettier version anyway. Hidan's pink eyes bulged.

"Oh my fucking Jashin…my beautiful hair!"

With that, Hidan pushed Tobi aside and ran to the mirror in the hallway. Seeing it for himself made Hidan clutch his chest as if he were going to have a Kakuzu level heart attack.

"Fucking heathen wind! This is sacriledge, to defile the hair of Jashin's most faithful servant!"

Hidan ran upstairs to the bathroom and prepared an emergency hair repair ritual, which involved blood letting, toothbrush sacrifice and a hell of a lot of hair care products.

"So, do you think he's going to be alright?" Kakuzu asked Deidara, totally ignoring the Hidan scene that had just happened. Deidara nodded.

"Un. Just don't let him play with the neighbor's dog anymore, un. That thing is vicious."

"_No need to worry about Mrs. Haggis's rat…"_

"**Vile thing tasted worse than it looked…"**

Everyone froze and stared at Zetsu. The plant man grinned toothily.

"_Does anyone miss it?"_

"NO!" Everyone in the room said at once. Even Mr. Chiclets shook his fist in the air to comply.

"Alright, un, all done!" Deidara then said, and Mr. Chiclets stood up. Kakuzu turned around.

"Get back in my back, Chomper," Kakuzu said, and everyone made a face and looked away as Mr. Chiclets sort of oozed back into Kakuzu's body, the thread stitching the mask back in place.

"Okay, assholes, you can look now," Kakuzu snarled, pulling his cloak on over his shoulders. Everyone returned to what they were doing, and then, just then, the wind outside gave a particularly loud howl, and the lights flickered, and died. Everyone stood still for a moment, not saying a word. Then, there was an anguished cry, the creaking open of a door, and the heavy, tumbling thud of a body falling down the stairs. The constant cursing all the way down made it obvious who it was.

"Son…of….a…fucking…heathen….cheap….whore…." Hidan snarled, finally landing on the floor in a tangle of cloaks and towels.

Tobi started screaming.

"Tobi's scared! Tobi's scared of the dark, ZU ZU! ZU ZU WHERE ARE YOU?!" Tobi bawled, staggering around in the kitchen. He bumped into someone.

"Ow, un! Zetsu's probably over there!" A deep voice said, pushing Tobi towards a spiky shape barely visible by the window above the sink.

"I think there's matches somewhere…where's Itachi?" a woman's voice asked. Konan.

"Hey, un! I think I have some sparklers in my room! Hey…ow! TOBI!"

"It's not Tobi, senpai!"

There was a smacking sound and a grunt of 'Un!" as Deidara was knocked to the ground by someone.

"Don't touch me, Blondie," a deep, growling voice snarled.

"Hey, don't we have a flashlight around here somewhere?"

"Why are the lights out?" Pein's cool voice asked. The crinkle of paper announced that he had his newspaper with him. Either that or his Sea Sex porno mag.

"Did Kisame sever the power lines while trying to get to that squirrel that lives in the attic again?" Pein asked.

"No, I think it's just the wind," Konan's voice replied. She had the sense to open the blinds, letting in a small bit of light, but since it was night, and the street lights were out as well, it didn't help much. But instead of disembodied voices, the kitchen was filled with the silhouettes of the Akatsuki. Tobi was clinging to Zetsu, who was patting his head.

"It'll be alright, Tobi," Zetsu soothed. Just then, Kisame ran into the kitchen, swinging his Samehada wildly.

"Oh my God, the terrorists bombed the power plant! We're all gonna die!" Kisame howled. Itachi walked up slowly behind him, holding a light saber for…light.

"Kisame," Pein explained, "we ARE the terrorists. And I certainly didn't order anyone to bomb the power plant. Because only Deidara would bomb something, and without power, he can't use his hair straightener."

"Un…" Deidara agreed weakly, smoothing his hair.

"But…but I'm scared of the dark!" Kisame whispered. Itachi tapped his red light saber on Kisame's shoulder, making him jump.

"Welcome to my world, Kisame," Itachi said softly. Everyone shuddered. The red light of the saber made Itachi's face even more evil than usual.

"Do we not have any flashlights or candles?" Pein asked, looking to Konan. She crossed her arms.

"No batteries for the flashlight and I can't find any candles. Maybe Hidan has some?"

Hidan limped into the room, pointing an angry finger at Tobi for some reason.

"You, you did it, didn't you?"

"Don't accuse Tobi of anything. Tobi is a good boy," Zetsu growled in warning. Hidan snorted.

"Yeah, sure…"

"Hey, Hidan, do you have any candles?" Konan asked him, puffing on a cigarette. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"I'm a guy. Only homosexuals have candles, and since I'm not a homosexual, I don't have any fucking candles. Ask Kakuzu. He's got all kinds of kinky shit in that suit case of his."

"I do NOT have kinky 'shit' in my suitcase."

"Yeah, it's full of pizza coupons and monopoly money, un."

Kakuzu glared at the blond, his eyes glowing in the dark.

"How do you know what's in there? It's sealed with a special jutsu only I know how to break."

Deidara probably grinned, but no one could really see it. Until Itachi pointed his light saber in the blond's face.

"Hey, get that thing away from me, un! And you showed me what was in it the other day, un!"

"I don't remember…"

"Psh, that's because you have Alzheimer's, fuck head."

Kakuzu grabbed Hidan by the throat.

"I do NOT have Alzheimer's."

"Urgh…ff-fuck…you…" Hidan gurgled as Kakuzu choked him.

"Alright, break it up. I'm going to check on myself, Konan, get—"

"What?!" Sasori asked, finally speaking up for the first time. Everyone started laughing. Pein sighed.

"I mean, go check on my other selves. You people always think the worst possible things…anyway. Ahem. Konan, get everyone gathered in the living room, and call the power company. Ask them when the power will be turned back on."

"Tobi has to pee!" Tobi whined suddenly. Pein slapped his head. Itachi pointed his light saber at Tobi, who was dancing up and down, holding his crotch.

"Zetsu, go with him. No one goes anywhere alone, stick with your partners. That is all."

Pein walked up the stairs, heading for his other selves in the attic. Zetsu and Tobi headed for the bathroom.

"Hey, un. You think Zetsu will actually go in the bathroom with the brat?"

"Most definitely," Sasori said. Everyone murmured in agreement. They all sat down in the living room while Konan felt her way back to the kitchen to call the power company. When everyone came back, the room was deadly quiet, and still dark. There was only the one light saber for light, and it happened to belong to Itachi.

It was a very subdued silence, as usually Itachi watched TV, Pein read his porn or his newspaper, Konan folded paper, Kakuzu counted money, Hidan sacrificed virgins, Tobi played with his hotwheels, Zetsu worked on his novel, Deidara blew shit up, un, Sasori tweaked with his puppets and Kisame polished his Samehada. Some of those things didn't really require light, but no one felt up to doing the usual in the dark.

"Well, what should we do?" Kisame asked with a shaky laugh. He REALLY didn't like the dark, and Itachi was freaking him out a little because he was clicking buttons on the remote, even though the TV wasn't on.

"Um, what about we tell stories, un?" Deidara asked. Everyone agreed.

"Yay Tobi knows one!"

Tobi grabbed the light saber from Itachi (something no one else had been stupid enough to do) and held the children's toy to his mask, illuminating his eye. If anyone noticed the Sharingan, no one said anything.

"Okay, once upon a time, there was chicken, and…"

"Sasuke?" Itachi asked, noticing his chicken butt haired Furby stuffed in between the cushions of the couch.

"No, silly Itachi, a chicken! And the chicken went to the moon man who lived in the toilet, and asked…"

"What the fuck are you talking about, moon man in a toilet? Have you been eating candy canes again?" Hidan asked. He was sitting on Tobi's purple bean bag chair (though you couldn't tell the color in the dark) and bleeding all over it.

"**Let Tobi finish,"** Zetsu growled from his giant terra cotta pot in the corner. The overgrown weed was the most vicious house plant in human history.

"Uh, where was I?"

"Foolish little Furby…" (Itachi)

"Sasuke wants to tell a story!" (Furby)

"But I'm telling the story!" Tobi pouted. Zetsu growled something again, this time no one could make it out, and Pein cleared his throat.

"Tobi, go ahead and finish. Everyone else, be quiet. It's dark, and we have a cannibal among us."

Silence.

"So the chicken and the moon man went to Never Never Land on a flying My Little Pony, and the Princess of Naruto O's gave the chicken a ninja apple, and the moon man ate it and he turned into a turkey, and the chicken and the turkey got married and had churkens, and the churkens went to the moon and ate lots of cheese and moon pies! The end!"

Everyone tried their best to hold in their laughter. Deidara finally lost it and toppled to the floor, pounding on the carpeting, and drooling he was laughing so hard.

"I shall tell you all a REAL story," Itachi, who was a competitive, egotistical bastard, said, and grabbed his light saber back and pointed it under his chin. His face glowed blood red, matching his eyes, and everyone shuddered. The laughter died. Deidara crawled back onto the love seat with Sasori, wiping the drool off of his chin.

"There is legend of a terrible monster that only comes out at night. He is blind…and always hungry. If you stare into a mirror for too long, in the dark, he will surface, and pluck out your eyes, and your tongue, and invade your mind and make you relive your worst experiences…he will show you that which you most fear…and skull fuck you until you die of brain hemorrhaging…"

Kisame whimpered.

"Oh my God," he gasped.

"What, un?" Deidara asked, eyes wide.

"I have to take a piss…" Kisame said hollowly. He glanced in the direction of the bathroom and shook, as he had to pass by a mirror in the hallway in order to get to the bathroom. And the bathroom itself…was full of mirrors. And it was dark.

"It's just a fucking story, scaredy shark! Seriously!" Hidan said. Kisame shook his head.

"I'd rather piss my pants then chance getting skull fucked…"

"Oh, for the love of money," Kakuzu said and got to his feet. He tripped over a Chia Hippo but finally got to the mirror in the hallway. He glared into it.

"Nothing's happening. It's just a story. Go pee, Kisame, no one wants to have to deal with you pissing your pants."

Kakuzu had turned away to yell at Kisame and looked back to the mirror. His green eyes, which glowed slightly in the dark, widened and he fell backwards into the opposite wall, screaming.

Something blue and transparent, like neon smoke, seeped out of the mirror and clawed at Kakuzu's eyes. Kakuzu screamed. So did everyone else.

"Oh my fucking God, it's the Windex demon again!"

"Ah….foolish old man…you will soon lack…eyes…"

Kakuzu had a heart attack while the demon wrapped its ephemeral body around his neck, holding him in place. Hidan cackled, Kisame whimpered, Itachi absently stroked his Furby's head, Tobi jumped into Zetsu's pot and cried, Konan and Pein gaped in shock, Deidara started strapping bombs to himself, planning on killing himself before he could be skull fucked to death, but Sasori, who considered the Windex Demon to be his arch nemesis, came to the rescue, spraying the Windex Demon with Pledge, the natural ally to all things made of wood.

"Be gone, wicked stain!" Sasori cried, and the demon seeped back into the mirror, dropping the half dead Kakuzu. Thankfully, Sasori had banished the demon before it could take Kakuzu's sexy eyes.

The power came back on just as Sasori slipped his can of Pledge back into the depths of his cloak.

"Well, now that was educational," Pein said, and settled in his easy chair, burying his face in his Sea Sex magazine.

"Weird…HRE (Hidden Rain Energy) told me that the power wouldn't be back on for at least five hours," Konan said slowly. There was an evil cackle and the lights went back out. This would be an interesting night…

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**Not to be continued, I just wanted to mess with you MWA HA HA HA! Unless I get a LOT of reviews for this. Like over 50. But I doubt it will be that popular. If you really want me to do this, head to my forum and request it! **


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